“I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like…” is the beginning of an Eminem song where he begins to pour out his heart to all of his fans. I may not understand or agree with Eminem, but we all understand pain. Sometimes it’s the things that hurt the most that give us the explanation we need for the very reason of our existence.
Another failed relationship… I try not to blame myself, but sometimes the hardest person for me to forgive is myself. I try not to blame the other person, but when my feelings are in disagreement with God’s truth, I catch myself pointing fingers while trying to find a solution to a problem that doesn’t have one. My head is spinning round and round and I find it difficult to discern the difference between God’s voice and the voices I’m hearing in my head. Sleepless nights… heart racing… chest pounding… loss of appetite… and mere confusion is the way I feel when my relationships continue to fail over and over again.
Why do I keep allowing this to happen to me? Did I learn from the mistakes I made the last time, or am I continuing to become the very definition of insanity? Maybe God’s angry with me, or marriage and a family isn’t His plan for me. Sometimes I wish these desires would just be taken away from me. It’s tiring and embarrassing to continue to believe God for something that just seems so far away from me.
To me, love appears as a fantasy, unattainable, but tangible for everyone else; you see? Do I actually believe what I’m saying? Of course not, but it’s the way I feel in this moment. I can’t tell you how it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like… Feelings lie, and I believe they’re lying to me in this moment, although it sure doesn’t feel like it.
I’ve heard, “love can leave you so high, or it can leave you to die.” True love never leaves you to die, but it can sure feel like it sometimes. Sometimes I just want to take my heart out of my chest and fully connect it with Daddy God where there’s no more pain or disappointment. In this moment, I’m beginning to understand why many people in the older generation become bitter… I understand why many give up on love and live purposeless lives, constantly keeping busy with meaningless temporary tasks of no eternal value. I understand why many people in the older generation refuse to maintain the heart of a child… Pain does things to people that prevents them from fully living out the destiny Daddy God has planned for them. Pain is a murderer that never gets caught… It ruins people’s lives and locks them in a prison filled with fear, hatred, anger, and resentment.
Call me crazy, or just call me plain stupid or stubborn, but even in this moment of pain, this moment of disappointment, this moment of confusion, and this moment of fear, I still dare to dream. Just because it hurts doesn’t mean I give pain permission to redefine how it really is… Just because I feel resentment doesn’t mean I’m going to let my feelings take root in my heart. I choose forgiveness, I choose truth; I choose love.
If God gave me the choice to choose to feel this way for one hundred years before receiving my promise, or to live forever having never known love, I’d choose the former of the two. I believe it’s better to die having fully known love than it is to live 100 years without love; Without love, nothing matters. The truth is that God gives us the desires of our heart regardless of what our feelings may tell us, and its nothing we have to work for or be good enough to receive, we just have to relentlessly believe…
If I could give advice to someone younger than myself regarding pursuing love and intimacy with people, in this very moment of pain, this very moment of hurt, confusion, and undealt with negative emotions and unhealed wounds, I would say, “pursue love until you receive your God-given promise, forgive people always, and no matter how much it hurts, never, ever, ever give up.” Your promise is waiting for you on the other side of your next try.
I don’t understand everything God is doing in me, and I don’t understand why relationships have been difficult for me, but I refuse to allow disappointment to redefine me. I don’t always have answers to what happens to me, but I know Jesus is the answer who happens to be; my Love, my Savior who died on a tree, He’s good, and His promises are better, you’ll see…
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