In December of 2013, I held a knife to my throat and wanted to kill myself because I didn’t have a reason to live. For most of my life, I worked eight to ten hours a day at a job I hated, I got home and watched T.V. or movies to escape from reality, then went to bed.
Every so often, to get out of my boring and purposeless routine, I’d take a day or a weekend off to hang out with my friends and family. Whenever I was on my mini vacation, I never wanted to go back to work after that, even though I needed to if I wanted my bills to get paid. Does that sound familiar?
Most of us don’t really live life, we merely exist because we think there’s no other way. What stopped me from killing myself in 2013 was a vision God gave me of ISIS killing people in war-torn nations. How the heck could I take my life when all that chaos was going on? At that moment, I knew God didn’t create me to live for myself since that gave me no purpose for my life, but He created me to help the poor and the refugees by demonstrating God’s love to them.
My Calling to the Mission Field
After getting lots of inner healing from my suicide attempt, the Lord led me to go on a two-week mission trip to Mozambique in 2014. During those two weeks, I witnessed the blind see, the deaf hear, and the sick healed, and I was overwhelmed by all the other amazing miracles I saw. After that mission trip, I spent two years paying off all my debt, I sold almost everything I owned, quit my job, then in 2016 I went back to Mozambique for the Harvest School of Missions.
Once I graduated school, I went to a creative access nation to minister to refugees. During my time in the creative access nation, I felt such a sense of belonging there, like I’d been waiting my whole life for that moment. I knew God created me to help the poor and more specifically the refugees, and that’s the reason I’m alive. While I was in the creative access nation, I remember a story a man told me that really broke my heart.
He said that when he and his family escaped from his war-torn home country, his wife couldn’t handle all the stress from the bombs going off, so she killed herself. That reminded me of the time back in December of 2013 when I tried to kill myself and God gave me the vision of ISIS killing people in war-torn nations.
Disappointment and Confusion
During my time in the creative access nation, I asked God what I needed to do practically to fulfill the calling He’d given me. Since I didn’t get a clear answer from God, I decided that I was going to move to that creative access nation and dedicate my life to work undercover with other missionaries to help the refugees.
In preparation for that, I planned on taking both of my books off of Amazon, shutting down this WordPress blog I use, shutting down my website, canceling my YouTube account, and deleting my Facebook and all other social media accounts. I honestly could care less about social media, my books, or anything else that could prevent me from fulfilling the call of God on my life.
But when I took the first step and contacted an undercover missions organization in the creative access nation I planned to go, I was told that there was no room for any new missionaries in that particular area, and I could check back sometime in the future if I still felt called to go there. When I heard that news, I was devastated and confused.
Sure I could have easily contacted another undercover missions organization, but what I needed to do above all that was ask God what He really wanted me to do.
A Change of Direction
For those of you who may not know, what God has planned for us never looks the way we think it’s going to look, but it always looks the way it supposed to look if we’re obedient to what He says. During my quiet times with the Lord, I asked Him why I had a burning desire to help refugees if I wasn’t going to live in a creative access nation? Over a period of about a week, God gave me the answer after I read one of my old journal entries.
In the summer of 2015, the Lord spoke to me audibly for the first time in my life which totally freaked me out. I haven’t heard Him speak to me audibly since that day. He said, “I’m calling you to France; I’m pouring out a fire that can’t be put out. I’m also calling you to Mexico, Germany, England, and Spain to preach the Gospel. Remember the least of these in the process.”
While I know that I’m called to help the refugees in creative access nations too, I never heard God speak to me audibly about that. After praying more about all this, I came to realize that most of those countries God spoke to me audibly about are countries refugees are going to seek refuge. I also learned later that I will have a greater ability to help refugees if I live outside of those creative access nations.
At the current time, I’m living in my hometown of Sacramento, California working with refugees with World Relief, and I’m also working with Alves Ministries to get the Gospel out to those who are lost and broken. While I don’t know what my calling will look like next, I know that the purpose of my life is to demonstrate the love of Jesus to refugees and the poor.
Living a safe life isn’t living at all, and I believe when we find something that’s worth dying for, that’s when we truly come alive.
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