Waking up every day feeling butterflies in my stomach because something didn’t feel right, feeling anxiety but not having anyone to share it with, feeling numb inside and thinking that life is passing me by without me ever having a chance to experience true love…
These are all things I used to experience on a regular basis. I remember in high school and even at my old jobs, I used to be the funny guy. I used jokes to hide all the pain I was feeling inside. Because guys don’t share their feelings right… or do they?
I’m a simple guy. My whole life I haven’t asked God for much. In fact, several years ago I had a very vulnerable moment with God. I asked him why I was alive. I wanted to get married someday and demonstrate the love of God to my beautiful future wife, but up until that point, my romantic dating relationships had always been a mess. I didn’t care about the big house and a white picket fence… I just wanted to be fully known and be fully loved by friends and family so that I could actually have a meaning to my life.
I never wanted to share what I felt inside with anyone because I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to be the subject of gossip or rumors. I just wanted to live an authentic life. So, one day I wrote a private letter to God and shared all my pain with Him. I hid that letter in a place that nobody would ever find.
To Be Fully Known is to be Fully Loved
Recently I was cleaning out files on my computer, and I found the private letter I’d written to God back in 2006. Since I completely forgot about what I wrote, I decided to read it again. This is an excerpt from the beginning of my private letter:
Sometimes it feels like I’m alone in this world… God, why am I here? Is it to make money? Buy cars, a house, material things? These things seem so meaningless… I work every day… for what? So I can make money and buy more things to temporarily make myself happy? It all just seems so meaningless. God, why does it feel like your not listening to me?
If I’m doing something wrong please tell me. I don’t know what’s happened to me lately. Sometimes life just does not seem worth living. I don’t care about getting rich, driving an expensive car, living in an expensive home anymore. Sure these things are nice and I would be thankful if you allow me to have them, but they will NEVER make me happy; they’re just another temporary high… I sit alone in the dark wondering if my life will change soon for the better, but sometimes I want to take matters into my own hands and end all this.
I’m tired of feeling lonely, tired of having no friends, tired of feeling isolated from the rest of the world. What happened to me? The only things I want God are real Christian friends I can talk to, and grow closer to you through them…
When I read that letter recently, tears started streaming down my face. But not tears of sadness, tears of joy. As I reminisce in my mind of all the things God has done for me since 2006, I can clearly see that one request at a time, God has been answering my prayers. Since 2006, I’ve started to scratch the surface of what the reckless never-failing love of God looks like.
Not only do I have a lot of friends, but I have friendships that are actually deep and meaningful enough to where I feel safe and valued whenever I share my heart with them. And for other areas of my life in regards to dating and all that, God has really been growing my character over the past 11 years. I’m learning more every day how to treat and pursue a woman like Christ pursued us by dying on the cross.
Love is not a fairytale. When we fix our eyes on Jesus and embrace His love first and foremost, that’s when we’ll begin to discover true life in abundance. Before we can demonstrate the love of God to other people, we need to embrace the love of God for ourselves.
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